To begin, i want to apologize for that 4 month break back there. Not only was I failing to keep up with blog writing but my book fell by the wayside. I spend about two months moping about it, wishing that school would give me more time to do what I actually enjoyed and then the other two months trying to figure out, really, why I wasn't writing. And, the good news is, I found an answer! Up until I finished the first draft of my first book (coming in at a whopping 100,000 words), I wrote to get things off my chest. I wrote to give myself the ability to live life in alternate realities. I wrote to figure out my own reality. Then, I started querying agents and got 13 straight rejections. Never got past the query letter and this took a severe toll on my self-esteem.
I could read and re-read what I had written and knew that I could do better. I saw so much potential in a complete re-writing of the story but I sincerely doubted my abilities to produce it. I decided that there was a disconnect between my brain and my fingers, preventing me from every writing what I truly wanted to say. But then I realized: I had stopped writing for myself. My blogs, my books and even my journal had become endeavors with which to impress other people. I wanted people to like what I was writing. I wanted to write something worth being liked. And bringing in that third party into the intimate act that is writing, I began to flounder.
So if this blog bores you or if this post already has you drooling on your keyboard, I'm going to have to be fine with that. I can suggest a margarita or something equally as exciting but just like Stella, I've got to get my groove back.
IN OTHER NEWS, things with the university friends have possibly started to get better? While of course I'm not a bridesmaid in the wedding, at least we're hanging out again, which is nice. I chose to stay in my college town for the summer and though it's not quite giving me the summer I'd hoped for, it has brought me closer to J and M and I've even tried making new friends (I don't usually get along with girls well, so it didn't go spectacularly).
My best friend from high school, T, got engaged a few months ago and I am so excited for her! I just CANNOT believe that she is going to get married next summer. That she's going to start her own family while I'm just a leaf in the wind. But it's good that way for now. She's always been more of a family starter and I've always been more of a leaf. I hope to get married one day but that day is not in the immediate future :)
Now, the bad news (because every silver lining has a cloud): I was diagnosed with vaginismus which is basically a condition where my vagina won't open. It just won't. Turns out I've had it for about six months so along with the physical condition, I freak out at the thought of really anything going near there (tampons included). Needless to say, it's been the cause of more than a few fights between J and I but things might be getting better soon, so fingers crossed! And for those of you who might have blanched at the last few sentences: yes, I've decided to make this blog a place where I can talk about it. If you find it something you don't want to read, I completely understand. I doubt I would want to read about it if our roles were reversed but this condition has been such a huge source of stress for me lately, I need some sort of outlet. I need to understand.
But I think that wraps up all the important things :) See you kids soon.