Wednesday, January 19, 2011

One is the loneliest number

It's a war that's over. And even if it wasn't, it's not a war I particularly ever wanted to win. The loyalties of the people who are willing to accept a villified, completely outlandish version of me after knowing me for some years are not the kind of people I want to surround myself with. Still, when those are the only people who comprised my little circle of university friends, it's kind of hard to accept loneliness. I have some friends from high school who have still stuck by me. Two go to this school and they're doing the best they can to make sure I don't feel the full effects of being ostracized but there's only so much they can do. While they remain the people I trust entirely, they're not the people I get to see every day.

Those people want nothing to do with me and I feel the full effects of it every day. One of my good friends who's hung by me this whole time, M, is my roommate and one of the best people I could ask for in my life and because she's still friends with that group of people, I know how often they hang out, how often they invite her to things, how often they want to get together to plan their spring break trip and how much they don't want me in attendance.

I don't mean to sound whiny but I just need a place to vent completely. To express this new hurt I feel. It's not like this is the first time I've been dumped by all my friends. It happened to me occasionally throughout high school but it always seemed to all work out in the end. As mad at me as they got, they never stopped believe that I was a truly good person the way my university "friends" have. It's clear: The Evil Roommate has won this war. She went out of her way last Spring to make sure everyone knew how "terrible" I was and, not wanting to start problems nor wanting to be the rat telling the real side of the story and bringing the whole mess up, I kept to myself. Flew under the radar. And that's it.

I guess the problem is that I'm not used to being lonely. I have 5 total friends at university, including J. It just hurts not getting invited to dinners or girls' night or to fun vacations. And it's only exacerbated by the fact that the reason why all this happened is as stupid as any.

I know things will get better and I promise I'm not going to use this blog as a way to complain. It's just good to get this all out in the open. To have someone know how I feel and hopefully, maybe, I won't feel this way for too much longer.

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